WABoots on the groundSHINGTON—Tuesday morning, President Obama announced the immediate deployment of American boots in response to the continuing threat of ISIS in Iraq and Syria. This is in spite of the president’s recent assurance that there will be “no boots on the ground.”

“It has become clear that airstrikes alone are not enough,” said President Obama during a press conference. “To degrade and destroy the extremist threat facing Iraq and Syria, we need a sizable ground presence. That’s why I’ve authorized the immediate deployment of 60,000 pairs of boots to the region.”

When asked if we should also send combat troops, Obama said, “Are you crazy? ISIL has machine guns and rockets and stuff. Plus, they’re beheading people. No, we won’t send any troops, but we will send boots to the region and strategically place them on the ground.”

Another member of the press corps asked how the deployment of boots is supposed to aid with the destruction of ISIS, to which Obama replied, “I don’t know—you tell me. Everyone’s always talking about ‘boots on the ground;’ I thought maybe extremist Muslims are afraid of boots. Isn’t leather forbidden or something?”

Iraqi Army boots have proven fickle in the fight against ISIS, and fell apart at the first sign of combat. Though Kurdish boots appear to be holding strong, the Pentagon insists that only American boots can provide the traction and arch support necessary for long-term stability.

A wide variety of boots have been sent to the tumultuous region, including roughly 20,000 pairs of standard-issue military boots, 15,000 galoshes, 10,000 Vera Wang Lavender Label boots, 5,000 Uggs, and an assortment of Michael Kors 2013 fall season boots that Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Martin E. Dempsey describes as “super cute.”

The United States has apparently withheld a single boot from deployment, making the precise number of “boots on the ground” 119,999.

“We figured this would confuse ISIS militants,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “They’ll go crazy trying to figure out where the mate to that last boot is, but they won’t find it! As they’re scratching their heads, that’s when we’ll hit ‘em with the socks.”

The latest boot deployment is just one part of the Obama Administration’s new and aggressive clothing-based foreign policy. The president has also announced the deployment of rhinestone gloves to Ukraine, turtlenecks to Israel and Palestine, and boxer briefs to West Africa.

congress

WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.” After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets.

This vote comes three days after President Obama saw a multi-legged “centipedey thing” crawl out from behind a portrait of William Howard Taft in the State Dining Room. The incident shook Washington and left the president reeling from a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.

“It is unacceptable for American citizens to feel slightly uncomfortable in the 21st century,” said President Obama during a Monday press conference. “The AUFUL resolution will allow us to use necessary and appropriate force to rid the world of all things yucky, gross, freaky, weirdly hairy, and with more than four legs.”

The FBI has already begun identifying and arresting domestic causes of the heebie-jeebies, including old men who hit on high school girls, people with neck tattoos, and—strangely enough—armed military personnel at airports. According to a document released by the Pentagon, the list of targets also includes deep-sea creatures, child beauty pageants, and Anthony Hopkins’ turn as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.

Many agree that cockroaches, praying mantises, and other insects are among the most pervasive causes of the heebie-jeebies. To combat the threat posed by domestic insects, the Obama administration plans to distribute magnifying glasses, bottle rockets, and matches to America’s youth as part of an “enhanced interrogation” initiative.

“The president has authorized coordinated drone strikes against all known spider hideouts,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “The collateral damage estimate for this operation is $146 trillion in property damage and the loss of 7 billion lives.”

“We’re discussing the nuclear option for Australia,” said the president. “They have poisonous snakes, huge spiders, giant crocodiles; the whole continent is a hot, dusty nightmare.”

The Obama administration is using the AUFUL resolution’s broad language as justification for targeting sensations associated with the heebie-jeebies, including the creeps, the chills, and the willies.

“Frankly, the limitless scope of this global war on the heebie-jeebies gives me the heebie-jeebies,” the president said near the end of his remarks. “To be truly successful, the war on heebie-jeebies must also target itself. So . . . yeah.”

 

 

 

Action Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.” The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline.

Immediately after the introduction, Obama steals a gun from a Secret Service agent’s holster, fires a few rounds, yells “FOURTH OF JULY!” and is tackled to the ground.

“Young people think they’re invincible,” Obama says later in the video, suspended 30 feet in the air by a G-string. “That’s just not the case. Young people need to sign up for the exchanges by March 31 so they can be—”

Before he can finish, a catapult mechanism lets loose and deposits the president into the Potomac.

This video comes a week after the president’s appearance on “Between Two Ferns,” a tongue-in-cheek internet show starring comedian Zach Galifianakis as the obtuse host. The president’s appearance on the show was lauded as a brilliant strategy for reaching younger Americans. Detractors condemned the appearance as “desperate” and “beneath the dignity of the office.”

“You want to see dignity?” the president says in the video, apparently responding to his detractors, “Watch me punch Agriculture Secretary Thomas Vilsack in the tit.”

President Obama, who has no known experience performing stunts, injures himself several times throughout the video. After leaping off a White House balcony and into a kiddie pool filled with hot dogs, the president can be seen clutching an injured arm.

“Without health insurance, the emergency room visit, x-ray, and cast would cost me about a thousand dollars,” says the president, wincing through the pain. “Visit Healthcare.gov and sign up for a health plan before March 31. Don’t be a jackass.”