Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Barnes went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that involved autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department.
“At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a cornucopia of substances including methamphetamine, cocaine, shark tranquilizers, ecstasy, speed, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and motor oil mixed with absinthe,” says Reynolds. “Neighbors say he removed his own face and ate it while listening to the soundtrack from Titanic at an extremely loud volume.”
Florida Man’s bizarre criminal behavior has become legendary throughout the country. In March of 2013, Florida Man broke into an area house, defecated on the floor, and screamed at the homeowner for not having a sufficient amount of Lucky Charms breakfast cereal.
In January of 2012, Florida Man allegedly stole seven kittens from an animal shelter, dressed them in judicial robes, and had them sit on the Florida Supreme Court. Still, this latest feat is Florida Man’s most ambitious crime spree to date.
After leaving his home around 8 am, Florida Man allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail at the Daytona International Speedway, sparking a blaze that took firefighters four hours to put out.
Florida Man proceeded to steal hundreds of dollars’ worth of footwear from a department store, hijack a police helicopter, crash into a children’s hospital, take over an Arby’s kitchen, feed patrons roast beef tainted with PCP, ruin a Bat Mitzvah, steal another police helicopter, crash into a separate hospital, and convince a Kindergarten class to take up arms against their teacher.
“At no point did he stop masturbating,” says Sgt. Reynolds. “That probably contributed to the helicopter crashes.”
Florida Man also disrupted Volusia County’s special election for School Board. He allegedly visited several polling stations with various wigs, fake beards, glasses, and costumes, and cast 1396 write-in votes for “I LOVE COKANE [sic],” which won the election by nearly 600 votes.
For much of Florida Man’s epic crime spree, Daytona Beach residents cheered the criminal, threw him drugs, and gave him high-fives as if he were the main attraction in a psychotic parade. Even many law enforcement officers stood by and watched.
“Seeing Florida Man at work is oddly inspiring,” said Sgt. Reynolds. “I was especially moved when he stole that Ski-Doo and jumped over a shark, Happy Days-style.”
Florida Man’s eventual capture, which occurred around 2 am Friday morning, was a group effort staged by the Daytona Beach Police Department, Florida National Guard, and U.S. Coast Guard. They lured him into the sea with promises of bath salts, then ensnared him in titanium netting developed by NASA.
“This was a ‘aster‘iece,” says Florida Man, now a faceless, chattering monster. “I will ‘e re‘e‘bered forever for this.”
According to a statement from the Daytona Beach lockup, Florida Man will be charged with “Everything. Literally everything.”
See more of Florida Man’s exploits here: http://www.reddit.com/r/FloridaMan