WASHINGTON—Tuesday morning, President Obama announced the immediate deployment of American boots in response to the continuing threat of ISIS in Iraq and Syria. This is in spite of the president’s recent assurance that there will be “no boots on the ground.”
“It has become clear that airstrikes alone are not enough,” said President Obama during a press conference. “To degrade and destroy the extremist threat facing Iraq and Syria, we need a sizable ground presence. That’s why I’ve authorized the immediate deployment of 60,000 pairs of boots to the region.”
When asked if we should also send combat troops, Obama said, “Are you crazy? ISIL has machine guns and rockets and stuff. Plus, they’re beheading people. No, we won’t send any troops, but we will send boots to the region and strategically place them on the ground.”
Another member of the press corps asked how the deployment of boots is supposed to aid with the destruction of ISIS, to which Obama replied, “I don’t know—you tell me. Everyone’s always talking about ‘boots on the ground;’ I thought maybe extremist Muslims are afraid of boots. Isn’t leather forbidden or something?”
Iraqi Army boots have proven fickle in the fight against ISIS, and fell apart at the first sign of combat. Though Kurdish boots appear to be holding strong, the Pentagon insists that only American boots can provide the traction and arch support necessary for long-term stability.
A wide variety of boots have been sent to the tumultuous region, including roughly 20,000 pairs of standard-issue military boots, 15,000 galoshes, 10,000 Vera Wang Lavender Label boots, 5,000 Uggs, and an assortment of Michael Kors 2013 fall season boots that Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Martin E. Dempsey describes as “super cute.”
The United States has apparently withheld a single boot from deployment, making the precise number of “boots on the ground” 119,999.
“We figured this would confuse ISIS militants,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “They’ll go crazy trying to figure out where the mate to that last boot is, but they won’t find it! As they’re scratching their heads, that’s when we’ll hit ‘em with the socks.”
The latest boot deployment is just one part of the Obama Administration’s new and aggressive clothing-based foreign policy. The president has also announced the deployment of rhinestone gloves to Ukraine, turtlenecks to Israel and Palestine, and boxer briefs to West Africa.