WABoots on the groundSHINGTON—Tuesday morning, President Obama announced the immediate deployment of American boots in response to the continuing threat of ISIS in Iraq and Syria. This is in spite of the president’s recent assurance that there will be “no boots on the ground.”

“It has become clear that airstrikes alone are not enough,” said President Obama during a press conference. “To degrade and destroy the extremist threat facing Iraq and Syria, we need a sizable ground presence. That’s why I’ve authorized the immediate deployment of 60,000 pairs of boots to the region.”

When asked if we should also send combat troops, Obama said, “Are you crazy? ISIL has machine guns and rockets and stuff. Plus, they’re beheading people. No, we won’t send any troops, but we will send boots to the region and strategically place them on the ground.”

Another member of the press corps asked how the deployment of boots is supposed to aid with the destruction of ISIS, to which Obama replied, “I don’t know—you tell me. Everyone’s always talking about ‘boots on the ground;’ I thought maybe extremist Muslims are afraid of boots. Isn’t leather forbidden or something?”

Iraqi Army boots have proven fickle in the fight against ISIS, and fell apart at the first sign of combat. Though Kurdish boots appear to be holding strong, the Pentagon insists that only American boots can provide the traction and arch support necessary for long-term stability.

A wide variety of boots have been sent to the tumultuous region, including roughly 20,000 pairs of standard-issue military boots, 15,000 galoshes, 10,000 Vera Wang Lavender Label boots, 5,000 Uggs, and an assortment of Michael Kors 2013 fall season boots that Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Martin E. Dempsey describes as “super cute.”

The United States has apparently withheld a single boot from deployment, making the precise number of “boots on the ground” 119,999.

“We figured this would confuse ISIS militants,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “They’ll go crazy trying to figure out where the mate to that last boot is, but they won’t find it! As they’re scratching their heads, that’s when we’ll hit ‘em with the socks.”

The latest boot deployment is just one part of the Obama Administration’s new and aggressive clothing-based foreign policy. The president has also announced the deployment of rhinestone gloves to Ukraine, turtlenecks to Israel and Palestine, and boxer briefs to West Africa.

image

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—According to recent reports, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) has taken control of key cities in Brazil, toppled the Brazilian government, and changed the name of the South American country to “Gooooooooooooooal!”

This is the culmination of FIFA’s strategy to undermine Brazil’s sovereignty with World Cup fanaticism. In the years leading up to the invasion, FIFA forced Brazil to build expensive stadiums, displace hundreds of thousands of its citizens, and provide comprehensive tax breaks.

FIFA’s stringent demands compelled Brazil to spend over $11 billion on World Cup preparations and forgo funding for education and medicine. In an effort to appease Budweiser, a key World Cup sponsor, FIFA also overturned Brazil’s public safety law banning the sale of beer at football matches. These developments left a large portion of the population too sick, stupid, and drunk to oppose FIFA’s invasion.

The invasion came as Brazilians were distracted by the 2014 World Cup football tournament. With millions of fans packed into stadiums and sports bars, many of the nation’s important buildings were left empty and vulnerable. At the time of the invasion, Brazil’s National Congress was reportedly staffed by a lone janitor watching the Brazil-Mexico match on a small television.

Sepp Blatter—the President of FIFA and Emperor of Gooooooooooooooal!—will organize the rest of his government via a round-robin group stage and a series of one-off knockout rounds. The Gooooooooooooooal! police force will consist of yellow-shirted officers armed with whistles, flags, and colored cards.

“We’ve had our eye on Brazil for quite some time now,” said Blatter during a press conference. “The nation’s ample natural resources and scantily clad women will serve us well as we prepare for Phase 2.”

When asked about Phase 2, Blatter fell to the ground and clutched his leg in an apparent attempt to draw a foul.

bread heel

Around lunchtime yesterday, area man Francis Parker stunned his housemates when he made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This wasn’t a normal sandwich, however; instead of foregoing the bread heel and selecting two non-heel slices—as any sane person would do—Parker removed the heel slice.

He wasn’t done; Parker proceeded to reach deep into the bread bag and remove the heel at the other end of the loaf. He then applied peanut butter and jelly to the heels as if they were normal, god-fearing bread slices.

“At first, I didn’t notice anything strange about his sandwich,” said Sandra, one of Parker’s roommates. “Then I saw that it was made with not one, but two heel slices. My eyes began to water and I mouthed a silent thank you.”

Parker ate his bread heel abomination quietly in the living room. At no point did his face betray feelings of disgust, anger, or discomfort.

“I usually skip the heel and use normal slices for my sandwiches; so do our other roommates; so does everyone on the planet.” said Sandra. “Most of the time, the heels sit in the bag until they grow mold or until one of us throws them away. But Francis—he’s different. He’s a true hero. I will remember him forever for this.”

Parker’s other roommates spent much of yesterday grappling with complex emotions and attempting to understand Parker’s selfless act of bravery.

“I mean, does he realize that the heel is essentially all crust?” asked Lee, another roommate. “Disgusting. Why would you do that to yourself? Francis was an idiot. An amazing, beautiful idiot.”

Wilson, the fourth roommate in the house, had some strong words of condemnation for Parker’s deed: “No one points out that Francis used the rest of the strawberry jelly to make that sandwich. Now we’re all out of jelly. Also, I’m pretty sure he touched every single piece of bread while he was trying to reach the second heel slice. Francis wasn’t a hero; he was a flawed, scared human being—just like the rest of us.”

“Why is everyone talking about me like I’m dead?” asked Parker. “I just ate a sandwich that was kind of weird. I’m definitely still alive. Guys? Hello?”

A memorial service and celebration of life for Parker will be held on Saturday.

weare99

LOS ANGELES—According to a new study from the Brookings Institution, the income gap between the rich and super-rich has reached its largest margin in a century. This revelation has sparked outrage among the (almost) richest people in the country.

The study found that the top .01% saw an income increase of 148% between 1992 and 2012, while the bottom .99% of the top 1% saw a dismal 146% increase. On average, the top .01% makes more in 11 months than the bottom .99% makes in a whole year.

“The billionaires have had it too good for too long,” says local restaurant owner Richard Griggs. “They own basketball teams and stuff. I want to own a basketball team.”

Multi-millionaires across the country have hired their maids, butlers, and other household staff to take to the streets in protest. These underpaid protesters can be seen holding professionally printed signs that say, “We are the .99%” and “How dare you make more than me?”

“The deck is stacked against us,” says Griggs. “The Koch Brothers inherited their father’s vast oil fortune, while I merely inherited my father’s chain of Tex-Mex restaurants. Is that fair? Is that justice?”

So far, Griggs and other movement leaders have not voiced any specific demands for legislation, though many of the protestors have indicated that they’re weary of protesting. Some have even begun picketing the protest.

“I have three hungry kids at home,” says Maria Alvarez, a maid and protestor-for-hire. “But Mr. Griggs says he’ll take away my weekends if I stop protesting.”

“How about this: I’ll call it good when I can afford a three-car garage for my yacht,” says Griggs. “I still believe that if you’re born privileged and are willing to exploit hard-working Americans, you can get even further ahead in this country. Call me old-fashioned.”

The bottom .99% of the top 1% have hired people to speak for them; when will the top .01% hire someone to listen?

 

congress

WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.” After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets.

This vote comes three days after President Obama saw a multi-legged “centipedey thing” crawl out from behind a portrait of William Howard Taft in the State Dining Room. The incident shook Washington and left the president reeling from a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.

“It is unacceptable for American citizens to feel slightly uncomfortable in the 21st century,” said President Obama during a Monday press conference. “The AUFUL resolution will allow us to use necessary and appropriate force to rid the world of all things yucky, gross, freaky, weirdly hairy, and with more than four legs.”

The FBI has already begun identifying and arresting domestic causes of the heebie-jeebies, including old men who hit on high school girls, people with neck tattoos, and—strangely enough—armed military personnel at airports. According to a document released by the Pentagon, the list of targets also includes deep-sea creatures, child beauty pageants, and Anthony Hopkins’ turn as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.

Many agree that cockroaches, praying mantises, and other insects are among the most pervasive causes of the heebie-jeebies. To combat the threat posed by domestic insects, the Obama administration plans to distribute magnifying glasses, bottle rockets, and matches to America’s youth as part of an “enhanced interrogation” initiative.

“The president has authorized coordinated drone strikes against all known spider hideouts,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “The collateral damage estimate for this operation is $146 trillion in property damage and the loss of 7 billion lives.”

“We’re discussing the nuclear option for Australia,” said the president. “They have poisonous snakes, huge spiders, giant crocodiles; the whole continent is a hot, dusty nightmare.”

The Obama administration is using the AUFUL resolution’s broad language as justification for targeting sensations associated with the heebie-jeebies, including the creeps, the chills, and the willies.

“Frankly, the limitless scope of this global war on the heebie-jeebies gives me the heebie-jeebies,” the president said near the end of his remarks. “To be truly successful, the war on heebie-jeebies must also target itself. So . . . yeah.”

 

 

 

justice statue

WASHINGTON—On Monday, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced that he and the other justices will take a break from hearing oral arguments and focus on their music, or as Roberts calls it, “The Pain.”

The 5-4 decision came after six months of rehearsals, substance abuse, bloody brawls, and thoughtful deliberation. SCROTUS features Chief Justice Roberts on lead vocals and backup guitar, Justice Alito on lead guitar, Justice Scalia on bass, Justice Kennedy on “the skins,” and Justice Thomas on the clarinet.

“By now it should be clear that the Court wishes to dismantle the federal government,” Chief Justice Roberts writes in the 63-page majority opinion. “We have decided to hasten the process by suspending normal Court activities and bringing the thunder to cities across America.”

A large portion of the opinion discusses the significance of the name “SCROTUS,” which Roberts insists stands for “Supreme Court Rebels of the United States.” Roberts makes no reference to male genitalia in his explanation.

“SCROTUS combines the growling rage of Cannibal Corpse with the cautious conservatism of the Hughes Court,” says Justice Thomas. “Also, the clarinet brings a level of metal that the genre hasn’t heard before.”

“Abandoning the Court and starting a heavy metal band is not conducive to good governance,” writes Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her dissenting opinion. “I’m more of a post-punk justice, myself.”

On the same day the decision was handed down, the conservative justices released an EP titled “SCROTUS OPERANDI,” which

includes tracks titled “Woe v. Raid,” “Dead Scott,” and “Brown v. Horde of Damnation.” They also announced that their “Approach the Stench” national tour will visit 26 cities in the U.S. and Canada.

“We’re pretty into puns,” says Justice Antonin Scalia. “And darkness. Puns and darkness.”

While the five conservative justices go on tour, Justices Kagan, Ginsburg, and Sotomayor will perform as their 50s-style doo-wop group, “The Supremes Court.” Justice Breyer says he will dress in drag and showcase his queercore one-man band, simply called “SCIRT.”

“Getting out of this robe will give me a chance to show off my sick tatts,” says Justice Scalia. “I have one of Jesus bleeding oil onto the Bill of Rights. It’s very metal, I assure you.”

floridaman

Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Barnes went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that involved autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department.

“At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a cornucopia of substances including methamphetamine, cocaine, shark tranquilizers, ecstasy, speed, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and motor oil mixed with absinthe,” says Reynolds. “Neighbors say he removed his own face and ate it while listening to the soundtrack from Titanic at an extremely loud volume.”

Florida Man’s bizarre criminal behavior has become legendary throughout the country. In March of 2013, Florida Man broke into an area house, defecated on the floor, and screamed at the homeowner for not having a sufficient amount of Lucky Charms breakfast cereal.

In January of 2012, Florida Man allegedly stole seven kittens from an animal shelter, dressed them in judicial robes, and had them sit on the Florida Supreme Court. Still, this latest feat is Florida Man’s most ambitious crime spree to date.

After leaving his home around 8 am, Florida Man allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail at the Daytona International Speedway, sparking a blaze that took firefighters four hours to put out.

Florida Man proceeded to steal hundreds of dollars’ worth of footwear from a department store, hijack a police helicopter, crash into a children’s hospital, take over an Arby’s kitchen, feed patrons roast beef tainted with PCP, ruin a Bat Mitzvah, steal another police helicopter, crash into a separate hospital, and convince a Kindergarten class to take up arms against their teacher.

“At no point did he stop masturbating,” says Sgt. Reynolds. “That probably contributed to the helicopter crashes.”

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Florida Man also disrupted Volusia County’s special election for School Board. He allegedly visited several polling stations with various wigs, fake beards, glasses, and costumes, and cast 1396 write-in votes for “I LOVE COKANE [sic],” which won the election by nearly 600 votes.

For much of Florida Man’s epic crime spree, Daytona Beach residents cheered the criminal, threw him drugs, and gave him high-fives as if he were the main attraction in a psychotic parade. Even many law enforcement officers stood by and watched.

“Seeing Florida Man at work is oddly inspiring,” said Sgt. Reynolds. “I was especially moved when he stole that Ski-Doo and jumped over a shark, Happy Days-style.”

Florida Man’s eventual capture, which occurred around 2 am Friday morning, was a group effort staged by the Daytona Beach Police Department, Florida National Guard, and U.S. Coast Guard. They lured him into the sea with promises of bath salts, then ensnared him in titanium netting developed by NASA.

“This was a ‘aster‘iece,” says Florida Man, now a faceless, chattering monster. “I will ‘e re‘e‘bered forever for this.”

According to a statement from the Daytona Beach lockup, Florida Man will be charged with “Everything. Literally everything.”

 

See more of Florida Man’s exploits here: http://www.reddit.com/r/FloridaMan

bustercoma

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.”

Unconscious uncoupling—Hollywood’s latest brand of marriage dissolution—can help a conscious spouse and unconscious spouse separate without feelings of guilt or abandonment. In theory, two comatose spouses may also opt for unconscious uncoupling, though the details of such an arrangement are arbitrary and confusing.

“When one spouse is in a coma, it becomes very difficult for the relationship to continue as normal,” says Ichabod Skilling, the pioneer of unconscious uncoupling and a part-time parking garage attendant. “Unconscious uncoupling allows the conscious spouse to make a positive change and celebrate her independence while the unconscious spouse continues lying there like a schmuck.”

“Ichabod has been wonderful through this whole process,” says Deborah. “He’s come to my house every day this week with wine coolers and soothing music—mostly Marvin Gaye and Barry White.”

“Deborah is a strong, funny, and sexy woman,” says Skilling. “She deserves the chance to rebuild her sense of self-worth and find someone who doesn’t sleep all the time; preferably someone who took a couple psychology courses in community college and was just promoted to shift manager at the downtown Citypark.”

When asked to comment, Jerry Gilbertson remained silent. However, the trickle into his catheter bag had a rather disdainful tone.

manshrug

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches.

“I mean, I’ve definitely seen bigger,” says Susan Hanson, Miller’s longtime girlfriend. “But Jeff’s is . . . nice.”

Miller has refused to disclose whether his penis is circumcised, and will neither confirm nor deny a slight curve in either direction. Still, Miller insists he is “OK” with his Little Richard.

“Do I wish it were bigger?” asks Miller. “Yes. What guy doesn’t? But I have what I have. No more, no less.”

Miller’s boss, a mechanic named George McGregor, became hostile when asked about the size and performance of Miller’s penis. Not only did McGregor deny ever seeing or otherwise experiencing Miller’s thunder, the master mechanic firmly asked this reporter to leave the premises.

Members of Miller’s gym, family, bowling league, homeowners’ association, and church had similar reactions to hard questioning. However, one gym-goer said, “I don’t know, man. He always wears a swimsuit in the shower.”

“Frankly, I’m not sure why this is newsworthy,” says Miller. “Please stop following me and asking people about my penis.”

Such resistance to questioning arouses suspicion, among other things. Further reporting to come.

Action Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.” The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline.

Immediately after the introduction, Obama steals a gun from a Secret Service agent’s holster, fires a few rounds, yells “FOURTH OF JULY!” and is tackled to the ground.

“Young people think they’re invincible,” Obama says later in the video, suspended 30 feet in the air by a G-string. “That’s just not the case. Young people need to sign up for the exchanges by March 31 so they can be—”

Before he can finish, a catapult mechanism lets loose and deposits the president into the Potomac.

This video comes a week after the president’s appearance on “Between Two Ferns,” a tongue-in-cheek internet show starring comedian Zach Galifianakis as the obtuse host. The president’s appearance on the show was lauded as a brilliant strategy for reaching younger Americans. Detractors condemned the appearance as “desperate” and “beneath the dignity of the office.”

“You want to see dignity?” the president says in the video, apparently responding to his detractors, “Watch me punch Agriculture Secretary Thomas Vilsack in the tit.”

President Obama, who has no known experience performing stunts, injures himself several times throughout the video. After leaping off a White House balcony and into a kiddie pool filled with hot dogs, the president can be seen clutching an injured arm.

“Without health insurance, the emergency room visit, x-ray, and cast would cost me about a thousand dollars,” says the president, wincing through the pain. “Visit Healthcare.gov and sign up for a health plan before March 31. Don’t be a jackass.”