weare99

LOS ANGELES—According to a new study from the Brookings Institution, the income gap between the rich and super-rich has reached its largest margin in a century. This revelation has sparked outrage among the (almost) richest people in the country.

The study found that the top .01% saw an income increase of 148% between 1992 and 2012, while the bottom .99% of the top 1% saw a dismal 146% increase. On average, the top .01% makes more in 11 months than the bottom .99% makes in a whole year.

“The billionaires have had it too good for too long,” says local restaurant owner Richard Griggs. “They own basketball teams and stuff. I want to own a basketball team.”

Multi-millionaires across the country have hired their maids, butlers, and other household staff to take to the streets in protest. These underpaid protesters can be seen holding professionally printed signs that say, “We are the .99%” and “How dare you make more than me?”

“The deck is stacked against us,” says Griggs. “The Koch Brothers inherited their father’s vast oil fortune, while I merely inherited my father’s chain of Tex-Mex restaurants. Is that fair? Is that justice?”

So far, Griggs and other movement leaders have not voiced any specific demands for legislation, though many of the protestors have indicated that they’re weary of protesting. Some have even begun picketing the protest.

“I have three hungry kids at home,” says Maria Alvarez, a maid and protestor-for-hire. “But Mr. Griggs says he’ll take away my weekends if I stop protesting.”

“How about this: I’ll call it good when I can afford a three-car garage for my yacht,” says Griggs. “I still believe that if you’re born privileged and are willing to exploit hard-working Americans, you can get even further ahead in this country. Call me old-fashioned.”

The bottom .99% of the top 1% have hired people to speak for them; when will the top .01% hire someone to listen?

 

congress

WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.” After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets.

This vote comes three days after President Obama saw a multi-legged “centipedey thing” crawl out from behind a portrait of William Howard Taft in the State Dining Room. The incident shook Washington and left the president reeling from a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.

“It is unacceptable for American citizens to feel slightly uncomfortable in the 21st century,” said President Obama during a Monday press conference. “The AUFUL resolution will allow us to use necessary and appropriate force to rid the world of all things yucky, gross, freaky, weirdly hairy, and with more than four legs.”

The FBI has already begun identifying and arresting domestic causes of the heebie-jeebies, including old men who hit on high school girls, people with neck tattoos, and—strangely enough—armed military personnel at airports. According to a document released by the Pentagon, the list of targets also includes deep-sea creatures, child beauty pageants, and Anthony Hopkins’ turn as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.

Many agree that cockroaches, praying mantises, and other insects are among the most pervasive causes of the heebie-jeebies. To combat the threat posed by domestic insects, the Obama administration plans to distribute magnifying glasses, bottle rockets, and matches to America’s youth as part of an “enhanced interrogation” initiative.

“The president has authorized coordinated drone strikes against all known spider hideouts,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “The collateral damage estimate for this operation is $146 trillion in property damage and the loss of 7 billion lives.”

“We’re discussing the nuclear option for Australia,” said the president. “They have poisonous snakes, huge spiders, giant crocodiles; the whole continent is a hot, dusty nightmare.”

The Obama administration is using the AUFUL resolution’s broad language as justification for targeting sensations associated with the heebie-jeebies, including the creeps, the chills, and the willies.

“Frankly, the limitless scope of this global war on the heebie-jeebies gives me the heebie-jeebies,” the president said near the end of his remarks. “To be truly successful, the war on heebie-jeebies must also target itself. So . . . yeah.”

 

 

 

justice statue

WASHINGTON—On Monday, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced that he and the other justices will take a break from hearing oral arguments and focus on their music, or as Roberts calls it, “The Pain.”

The 5-4 decision came after six months of rehearsals, substance abuse, bloody brawls, and thoughtful deliberation. SCROTUS features Chief Justice Roberts on lead vocals and backup guitar, Justice Alito on lead guitar, Justice Scalia on bass, Justice Kennedy on “the skins,” and Justice Thomas on the clarinet.

“By now it should be clear that the Court wishes to dismantle the federal government,” Chief Justice Roberts writes in the 63-page majority opinion. “We have decided to hasten the process by suspending normal Court activities and bringing the thunder to cities across America.”

A large portion of the opinion discusses the significance of the name “SCROTUS,” which Roberts insists stands for “Supreme Court Rebels of the United States.” Roberts makes no reference to male genitalia in his explanation.

“SCROTUS combines the growling rage of Cannibal Corpse with the cautious conservatism of the Hughes Court,” says Justice Thomas. “Also, the clarinet brings a level of metal that the genre hasn’t heard before.”

“Abandoning the Court and starting a heavy metal band is not conducive to good governance,” writes Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her dissenting opinion. “I’m more of a post-punk justice, myself.”

On the same day the decision was handed down, the conservative justices released an EP titled “SCROTUS OPERANDI,” which

includes tracks titled “Woe v. Raid,” “Dead Scott,” and “Brown v. Horde of Damnation.” They also announced that their “Approach the Stench” national tour will visit 26 cities in the U.S. and Canada.

“We’re pretty into puns,” says Justice Antonin Scalia. “And darkness. Puns and darkness.”

While the five conservative justices go on tour, Justices Kagan, Ginsburg, and Sotomayor will perform as their 50s-style doo-wop group, “The Supremes Court.” Justice Breyer says he will dress in drag and showcase his queercore one-man band, simply called “SCIRT.”

“Getting out of this robe will give me a chance to show off my sick tatts,” says Justice Scalia. “I have one of Jesus bleeding oil onto the Bill of Rights. It’s very metal, I assure you.”

floridaman

Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Barnes went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that involved autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department.

“At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a cornucopia of substances including methamphetamine, cocaine, shark tranquilizers, ecstasy, speed, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and motor oil mixed with absinthe,” says Reynolds. “Neighbors say he removed his own face and ate it while listening to the soundtrack from Titanic at an extremely loud volume.”

Florida Man’s bizarre criminal behavior has become legendary throughout the country. In March of 2013, Florida Man broke into an area house, defecated on the floor, and screamed at the homeowner for not having a sufficient amount of Lucky Charms breakfast cereal.

In January of 2012, Florida Man allegedly stole seven kittens from an animal shelter, dressed them in judicial robes, and had them sit on the Florida Supreme Court. Still, this latest feat is Florida Man’s most ambitious crime spree to date.

After leaving his home around 8 am, Florida Man allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail at the Daytona International Speedway, sparking a blaze that took firefighters four hours to put out.

Florida Man proceeded to steal hundreds of dollars’ worth of footwear from a department store, hijack a police helicopter, crash into a children’s hospital, take over an Arby’s kitchen, feed patrons roast beef tainted with PCP, ruin a Bat Mitzvah, steal another police helicopter, crash into a separate hospital, and convince a Kindergarten class to take up arms against their teacher.

“At no point did he stop masturbating,” says Sgt. Reynolds. “That probably contributed to the helicopter crashes.”

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Florida Man also disrupted Volusia County’s special election for School Board. He allegedly visited several polling stations with various wigs, fake beards, glasses, and costumes, and cast 1396 write-in votes for “I LOVE COKANE [sic],” which won the election by nearly 600 votes.

For much of Florida Man’s epic crime spree, Daytona Beach residents cheered the criminal, threw him drugs, and gave him high-fives as if he were the main attraction in a psychotic parade. Even many law enforcement officers stood by and watched.

“Seeing Florida Man at work is oddly inspiring,” said Sgt. Reynolds. “I was especially moved when he stole that Ski-Doo and jumped over a shark, Happy Days-style.”

Florida Man’s eventual capture, which occurred around 2 am Friday morning, was a group effort staged by the Daytona Beach Police Department, Florida National Guard, and U.S. Coast Guard. They lured him into the sea with promises of bath salts, then ensnared him in titanium netting developed by NASA.

“This was a ‘aster‘iece,” says Florida Man, now a faceless, chattering monster. “I will ‘e re‘e‘bered forever for this.”

According to a statement from the Daytona Beach lockup, Florida Man will be charged with “Everything. Literally everything.”

 

See more of Florida Man’s exploits here: http://www.reddit.com/r/FloridaMan

bustercoma

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.”

Unconscious uncoupling—Hollywood’s latest brand of marriage dissolution—can help a conscious spouse and unconscious spouse separate without feelings of guilt or abandonment. In theory, two comatose spouses may also opt for unconscious uncoupling, though the details of such an arrangement are arbitrary and confusing.

“When one spouse is in a coma, it becomes very difficult for the relationship to continue as normal,” says Ichabod Skilling, the pioneer of unconscious uncoupling and a part-time parking garage attendant. “Unconscious uncoupling allows the conscious spouse to make a positive change and celebrate her independence while the unconscious spouse continues lying there like a schmuck.”

“Ichabod has been wonderful through this whole process,” says Deborah. “He’s come to my house every day this week with wine coolers and soothing music—mostly Marvin Gaye and Barry White.”

“Deborah is a strong, funny, and sexy woman,” says Skilling. “She deserves the chance to rebuild her sense of self-worth and find someone who doesn’t sleep all the time; preferably someone who took a couple psychology courses in community college and was just promoted to shift manager at the downtown Citypark.”

When asked to comment, Jerry Gilbertson remained silent. However, the trickle into his catheter bag had a rather disdainful tone.

manshrug

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches.

“I mean, I’ve definitely seen bigger,” says Susan Hanson, Miller’s longtime girlfriend. “But Jeff’s is . . . nice.”

Miller has refused to disclose whether his penis is circumcised, and will neither confirm nor deny a slight curve in either direction. Still, Miller insists he is “OK” with his Little Richard.

“Do I wish it were bigger?” asks Miller. “Yes. What guy doesn’t? But I have what I have. No more, no less.”

Miller’s boss, a mechanic named George McGregor, became hostile when asked about the size and performance of Miller’s penis. Not only did McGregor deny ever seeing or otherwise experiencing Miller’s thunder, the master mechanic firmly asked this reporter to leave the premises.

Members of Miller’s gym, family, bowling league, homeowners’ association, and church had similar reactions to hard questioning. However, one gym-goer said, “I don’t know, man. He always wears a swimsuit in the shower.”

“Frankly, I’m not sure why this is newsworthy,” says Miller. “Please stop following me and asking people about my penis.”

Such resistance to questioning arouses suspicion, among other things. Further reporting to come.