Short but sweet – here’s an episode where Sam and TJ try to pinpoint the reasons they like certain media and where people find meaning. Boils down to a lot of avoiding clichés, if you want the bottom line of it.
Hello, world. We’d like to present to you a short film exploring one of the central tenets
in pop culture – fandom. Produced by our own Sam Cole. Enjoy!
BRASILIA, BRAZIL—According to recent reports, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) has taken control of key cities in Brazil, toppled the Brazilian government, and changed the name of the South American country to “Gooooooooooooooal!”
This is the culmination of FIFA’s strategy to undermine Brazil’s sovereignty with World Cup fanaticism. In the years leading up to the invasion, FIFA forced Brazil to build expensive stadiums, displace hundreds of thousands of its citizens, and provide comprehensive tax breaks.
FIFA’s stringent demands compelled Brazil to spend over $11 billion on World Cup preparations and forgo funding for education and medicine. In an effort to appease Budweiser, a key World Cup sponsor, FIFA also overturned Brazil’s public safety law banning the sale of beer at football matches. These developments left a large portion of the population too sick, stupid, and drunk to oppose FIFA’s invasion.
The invasion came as Brazilians were distracted by the 2014 World Cup football tournament. With millions of fans packed into stadiums and sports bars, many of the nation’s important buildings were left empty and vulnerable. At the time of the invasion, Brazil’s National Congress was reportedly staffed by a lone janitor watching the Brazil-Mexico match on a small television.
Sepp Blatter—the President of FIFA and Emperor of Gooooooooooooooal!—will organize the rest of his government via a round-robin group stage and a series of one-off knockout rounds. The Gooooooooooooooal! police force will consist of yellow-shirted officers armed with whistles, flags, and colored cards.
“We’ve had our eye on Brazil for quite some time now,” said Blatter during a press conference. “The nation’s ample natural resources and scantily clad women will serve us well as we prepare for Phase 2.”
When asked about Phase 2, Blatter fell to the ground and clutched his leg in an apparent attempt to draw a foul.
Guys, we found out about this great new service called Netflix! It’s great, you can watch movies and stuff online! Holy cow! Sam and TJ take the opportunity to expound upon Netflix and other streaming services
and why they work well.
Around lunchtime yesterday, area man Francis Parker stunned his housemates when he made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This wasn’t a normal sandwich, however; instead of foregoing the bread heel and selecting two non-heel slices—as any sane person would do—Parker removed the heel slice.
He wasn’t done; Parker proceeded to reach deep into the bread bag and remove the heel at the other end of the loaf. He then applied peanut butter and jelly to the heels as if they were normal, god-fearing bread slices.
“At first, I didn’t notice anything strange about his sandwich,” said Sandra, one of Parker’s roommates. “Then I saw that it was made with not one, but two heel slices. My eyes began to water and I mouthed a silent thank you.”
Parker ate his bread heel abomination quietly in the living room. At no point did his face betray feelings of disgust, anger, or discomfort.
“I usually skip the heel and use normal slices for my sandwiches; so do our other roommates; so does everyone on the planet.” said Sandra. “Most of the time, the heels sit in the bag until they grow mold or until one of us throws them away. But Francis—he’s different. He’s a true hero. I will remember him forever for this.”
Parker’s other roommates spent much of yesterday grappling with complex emotions and attempting to understand Parker’s selfless act of bravery.
“I mean, does he realize that the heel is essentially all crust?” asked Lee, another roommate. “Disgusting. Why would you do that to yourself? Francis was an idiot. An amazing, beautiful idiot.”
Wilson, the fourth roommate in the house, had some strong words of condemnation for Parker’s deed: “No one points out that Francis used the rest of the strawberry jelly to make that sandwich. Now we’re all out of jelly. Also, I’m pretty sure he touched every single piece of bread while he was trying to reach the second heel slice. Francis wasn’t a hero; he was a flawed, scared human being—just like the rest of us.”
“Why is everyone talking about me like I’m dead?” asked Parker. “I just ate a sandwich that was kind of weird. I’m definitely still alive. Guys? Hello?”
A memorial service and celebration of life for Parker will be held on Saturday.