WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.” After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets.

This vote comes three days after President Obama saw a multi-legged “centipedey thing” crawl out from behind a portrait of William Howard Taft in the State Dining Room. The incident shook Washington and left the president reeling from a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.

“It is unacceptable for American citizens to feel slightly uncomfortable in the 21st century,” said President Obama during a Monday press conference. “The AUFUL resolution will allow us to use necessary and appropriate force to rid the world of all things yucky, gross, freaky, weirdly hairy, and with more than four legs.”

The FBI has already begun identifying and arresting domestic causes of the heebie-jeebies, including old men who hit on high school girls, people with neck tattoos, and—strangely enough—armed military personnel at airports. According to a document released by the Pentagon, the list of targets also includes deep-sea creatures, child beauty pageants, and Anthony Hopkins’ turn as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.

Many agree that cockroaches, praying mantises, and other insects are among the most pervasive causes of the heebie-jeebies. To combat the threat posed by domestic insects, the Obama administration plans to distribute magnifying glasses, bottle rockets, and matches to America’s youth as part of an “enhanced interrogation” initiative.

“The president has authorized coordinated drone strikes against all known spider hideouts,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “The collateral damage estimate for this operation is $146 trillion in property damage and the loss of 7 billion lives.”

“We’re discussing the nuclear option for Australia,” said the president. “They have poisonous snakes, huge spiders, giant crocodiles; the whole continent is a hot, dusty nightmare.”

The Obama administration is using the AUFUL resolution’s broad language as justification for targeting sensations associated with the heebie-jeebies, including the creeps, the chills, and the willies.

“Frankly, the limitless scope of this global war on the heebie-jeebies gives me the heebie-jeebies,” the president said near the end of his remarks. “To be truly successful, the war on heebie-jeebies must also target itself. So . . . yeah.”




justice statue

WASHINGTON—On Monday, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced that he and the other justices will take a break from hearing oral arguments and focus on their music, or as Roberts calls it, “The Pain.”

The 5-4 decision came after six months of rehearsals, substance abuse, bloody brawls, and thoughtful deliberation. SCROTUS features Chief Justice Roberts on lead vocals and backup guitar, Justice Alito on lead guitar, Justice Scalia on bass, Justice Kennedy on “the skins,” and Justice Thomas on the clarinet.

“By now it should be clear that the Court wishes to dismantle the federal government,” Chief Justice Roberts writes in the 63-page majority opinion. “We have decided to hasten the process by suspending normal Court activities and bringing the thunder to cities across America.”

A large portion of the opinion discusses the significance of the name “SCROTUS,” which Roberts insists stands for “Supreme Court Rebels of the United States.” Roberts makes no reference to male genitalia in his explanation.

“SCROTUS combines the growling rage of Cannibal Corpse with the cautious conservatism of the Hughes Court,” says Justice Thomas. “Also, the clarinet brings a level of metal that the genre hasn’t heard before.”

“Abandoning the Court and starting a heavy metal band is not conducive to good governance,” writes Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her dissenting opinion. “I’m more of a post-punk justice, myself.”

On the same day the decision was handed down, the conservative justices released an EP titled “SCROTUS OPERANDI,” which

includes tracks titled “Woe v. Raid,” “Dead Scott,” and “Brown v. Horde of Damnation.” They also announced that their “Approach the Stench” national tour will visit 26 cities in the U.S. and Canada.

“We’re pretty into puns,” says Justice Antonin Scalia. “And darkness. Puns and darkness.”

While the five conservative justices go on tour, Justices Kagan, Ginsburg, and Sotomayor will perform as their 50s-style doo-wop group, “The Supremes Court.” Justice Breyer says he will dress in drag and showcase his queercore one-man band, simply called “SCIRT.”

“Getting out of this robe will give me a chance to show off my sick tatts,” says Justice Scalia. “I have one of Jesus bleeding oil onto the Bill of Rights. It’s very metal, I assure you.”

And here’s part two of Sam, TJ, and Babs, MAT!

Aww yeah, it’s gettin’ critical up in here. Sam and TJ are joined by their friend Babs, MAT, to discuss the importance of interpreting the

media in everyday life. And Taco Bell gets

a strange amount of attention. The audio file was a bit large so it’s comin’ in two parts!

Sam and TJ welcome their first full-episode guest to the podcast to discuss how cool sci fi

is, how technology and literature interact, and Google search history.


Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Barnes went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that involved autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department.

“At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a cornucopia of substances including methamphetamine, cocaine, shark tranquilizers, ecstasy, speed, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and motor oil mixed with absinthe,” says Reynolds. “Neighbors say he removed his own face and ate it while listening to the soundtrack from Titanic at an extremely loud volume.”

Florida Man’s bizarre criminal behavior has become legendary throughout the country. In March of 2013, Florida Man broke into an area house, defecated on the floor, and screamed at the homeowner for not having a sufficient amount of Lucky Charms breakfast cereal.

In January of 2012, Florida Man allegedly stole seven kittens from an animal shelter, dressed them in judicial robes, and had them sit on the Florida Supreme Court. Still, this latest feat is Florida Man’s most ambitious crime spree to date.

After leaving his home around 8 am, Florida Man allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail at the Daytona International Speedway, sparking a blaze that took firefighters four hours to put out.

Florida Man proceeded to steal hundreds of dollars’ worth of footwear from a department store, hijack a police helicopter, crash into a children’s hospital, take over an Arby’s kitchen, feed patrons roast beef tainted with PCP, ruin a Bat Mitzvah, steal another police helicopter, crash into a separate hospital, and convince a Kindergarten class to take up arms against their teacher.

“At no point did he stop masturbating,” says Sgt. Reynolds. “That probably contributed to the helicopter crashes.”

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Florida Man also disrupted Volusia County’s special election for School Board. He allegedly visited several polling stations with various wigs, fake beards, glasses, and costumes, and cast 1396 write-in votes for “I LOVE COKANE [sic],” which won the election by nearly 600 votes.

For much of Florida Man’s epic crime spree, Daytona Beach residents cheered the criminal, threw him drugs, and gave him high-fives as if he were the main attraction in a psychotic parade. Even many law enforcement officers stood by and watched.

“Seeing Florida Man at work is oddly inspiring,” said Sgt. Reynolds. “I was especially moved when he stole that Ski-Doo and jumped over a shark, Happy Days-style.”

Florida Man’s eventual capture, which occurred around 2 am Friday morning, was a group effort staged by the Daytona Beach Police Department, Florida National Guard, and U.S. Coast Guard. They lured him into the sea with promises of bath salts, then ensnared him in titanium netting developed by NASA.

“This was a ‘aster‘iece,” says Florida Man, now a faceless, chattering monster. “I will ‘e re‘e‘bered forever for this.”

According to a statement from the Daytona Beach lockup, Florida Man will be charged with “Everything. Literally everything.”


See more of Florida Man’s exploits here: