WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.” After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets.
This vote comes three days after President Obama saw a multi-legged “centipedey thing” crawl out from behind a portrait of William Howard Taft in the State Dining Room. The incident shook Washington and left the president reeling from a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.
“It is unacceptable for American citizens to feel slightly uncomfortable in the 21st century,” said President Obama during a Monday press conference. “The AUFUL resolution will allow us to use necessary and appropriate force to rid the world of all things yucky, gross, freaky, weirdly hairy, and with more than four legs.”
The FBI has already begun identifying and arresting domestic causes of the heebie-jeebies, including old men who hit on high school girls, people with neck tattoos, and—strangely enough—armed military personnel at airports. According to a document released by the Pentagon, the list of targets also includes deep-sea creatures, child beauty pageants, and Anthony Hopkins’ turn as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.
Many agree that cockroaches, praying mantises, and other insects are among the most pervasive causes of the heebie-jeebies. To combat the threat posed by domestic insects, the Obama administration plans to distribute magnifying glasses, bottle rockets, and matches to America’s youth as part of an “enhanced interrogation” initiative.
“The president has authorized coordinated drone strikes against all known spider hideouts,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “The collateral damage estimate for this operation is $146 trillion in property damage and the loss of 7 billion lives.”
“We’re discussing the nuclear option for Australia,” said the president. “They have poisonous snakes, huge spiders, giant crocodiles; the whole continent is a hot, dusty nightmare.”
The Obama administration is using the AUFUL resolution’s broad language as justification for targeting sensations associated with the heebie-jeebies, including the creeps, the chills, and the willies.
“Frankly, the limitless scope of this global war on the heebie-jeebies gives me the heebie-jeebies,” the president said near the end of his remarks. “To be truly successful, the war on heebie-jeebies must also target itself. So . . . yeah.”