bustercoma

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.”

Unconscious uncoupling—Hollywood’s latest brand of marriage dissolution—can help a conscious spouse and unconscious spouse separate without feelings of guilt or abandonment. In theory, two comatose spouses may also opt for unconscious uncoupling, though the details of such an arrangement are arbitrary and confusing.

“When one spouse is in a coma, it becomes very difficult for the relationship to continue as normal,” says Ichabod Skilling, the pioneer of unconscious uncoupling and a part-time parking garage attendant. “Unconscious uncoupling allows the conscious spouse to make a positive change and celebrate her independence while the unconscious spouse continues lying there like a schmuck.”

“Ichabod has been wonderful through this whole process,” says Deborah. “He’s come to my house every day this week with wine coolers and soothing music—mostly Marvin Gaye and Barry White.”

“Deborah is a strong, funny, and sexy woman,” says Skilling. “She deserves the chance to rebuild her sense of self-worth and find someone who doesn’t sleep all the time; preferably someone who took a couple psychology courses in community college and was just promoted to shift manager at the downtown Citypark.”

When asked to comment, Jerry Gilbertson remained silent. However, the trickle into his catheter bag had a rather disdainful tone.

Sam and TJ wonder what life would be like if they had been born with all six limbs – WAIT NO, they discuss the amorphous entity that is music and how it makes us feel things.

manshrug

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches.

“I mean, I’ve definitely seen bigger,” says Susan Hanson, Miller’s longtime girlfriend. “But Jeff’s is . . . nice.”

Miller has refused to disclose whether his penis is circumcised, and will neither confirm nor deny a slight curve in either direction. Still, Miller insists he is “OK” with his Little Richard.

“Do I wish it were bigger?” asks Miller. “Yes. What guy doesn’t? But I have what I have. No more, no less.”

Miller’s boss, a mechanic named George McGregor, became hostile when asked about the size and performance of Miller’s penis. Not only did McGregor deny ever seeing or otherwise experiencing Miller’s thunder, the master mechanic firmly asked this reporter to leave the premises.

Members of Miller’s gym, family, bowling league, homeowners’ association, and church had similar reactions to hard questioning. However, one gym-goer said, “I don’t know, man. He always wears a swimsuit in the shower.”

“Frankly, I’m not sure why this is newsworthy,” says Miller. “Please stop following me and asking people about my penis.”

Such resistance to questioning arouses suspicion, among other things. Further reporting to come.

Action Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.” The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline.

Immediately after the introduction, Obama steals a gun from a Secret Service agent’s holster, fires a few rounds, yells “FOURTH OF JULY!” and is tackled to the ground.

“Young people think they’re invincible,” Obama says later in the video, suspended 30 feet in the air by a G-string. “That’s just not the case. Young people need to sign up for the exchanges by March 31 so they can be—”

Before he can finish, a catapult mechanism lets loose and deposits the president into the Potomac.

This video comes a week after the president’s appearance on “Between Two Ferns,” a tongue-in-cheek internet show starring comedian Zach Galifianakis as the obtuse host. The president’s appearance on the show was lauded as a brilliant strategy for reaching younger Americans. Detractors condemned the appearance as “desperate” and “beneath the dignity of the office.”

“You want to see dignity?” the president says in the video, apparently responding to his detractors, “Watch me punch Agriculture Secretary Thomas Vilsack in the tit.”

President Obama, who has no known experience performing stunts, injures himself several times throughout the video. After leaping off a White House balcony and into a kiddie pool filled with hot dogs, the president can be seen clutching an injured arm.

“Without health insurance, the emergency room visit, x-ray, and cast would cost me about a thousand dollars,” says the president, wincing through the pain. “Visit Healthcare.gov and sign up for a health plan before March 31. Don’t be a jackass.”

 

CPAC

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—The Conservative Political Action Conference wrapped up on Saturday after three days of panels and speeches from Rand Paul, Sarah Palin, and other rising stars in conservative politics.

Hundreds of sleep apnea sufferers attended CPAC with the hope of seeing the latest continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) machines. However, since CPAC is actually a political conference with no direct relationship to sleep apnea, many of these attendees left the conference unfulfilled.

“I’m not very good with acronyms,” admitted Rick Flanders, a 63-year-old sleep apnea sufferer.

Obstructive sleep apnea is a condition that affects the airways during sleep, limiting oxygen and causing sufferers to wake several times during the night. A CPAP machine uses air pressure to keep the airways clear and promote a better night’s sleep.

“Someone said this conference would feature a bunch of windbags that put you right to sleep,” continued Flanders. “I guess they were right, but still—what a letdown.”

CPAC panels and speakers discussed many issues that are important to modern conservatives, including reducing the size of government, repealing the Affordable Care Act, and blocking anti-gun legislation. Sleep apnea was not mentioned once, much to the chagrin of Flanders and other sleep apnea sufferers.

“I tried to get Rand Paul to examine my throat,” said Ruth McCarthy, who also suffers from sleep apnea. “But he just stuffed it with his nutty libertarian notions.”

Sleep apnea sufferers weren’t the only fish out of water at CPAC; representatives from the ASPCA, NAACP, and Sea-Tac International Airport were also in attendance, and also very confused about the nature of the event. Several attendees claimed to be on PCP, though their bizarre rants and delusions actually helped them blend in with the other attendees.

Sam and TJ scratch the surface

of a long-standing form of media, literature. Then Old Man Higgins gets really mad at them for getting his surfaces all scratched up. McKenzie drops in again with the thought-provoking questions.

Mars

PASADENA, Ca—Last Thursday, the team leading NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission made history when the rover Curiosity identified indisputable evidence of life on Mars—or so it seemed.

The historic discovery, initially made by microbiologist Dr. James Weaver, turned out to be an elaborate ruse Weaver concocted in an effort to “take the piss” out of his colleagues.

“I couldn’t resist,” said a very smug Dr. Weaver, “Those jagweeds were getting crazy excited about a bunch of damned rocks. It was annoying as hell. I thought I’d mix things up a little.”

NASA launched the Mars Science Laboratory in November of 2011, and the Curiosity rover successfully landed in Mars’ Gale Crater on August 6, 2012. Its goals: to study the red planet’s geology, characterize its climate, gauge the possibility of a manned mission, and determine if the planet could have supported life.

curiosity rover

In 19 months, Curiosity has traveled over 3.2 miles and discovered evidence of an ancient freshwater lake. Though Curiosity has found many of the essential ingredients of life—including nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon—the rover has not yet discovered incontrovertible evidence of past or present life forms.

“We were analyzing some amazing rock samples at the foot of Mt. Sharp when James gasped,” said Dr. Anita Dodd, an astrogeologist with NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory. “When we asked what he saw, he told us to hold on. He then spent the next 5 minutes staring intently at his monitor and muttering ‘it can’t be’ over and over.”

“I kept thinking, ‘there’s no way they’ll believe me,’” said Dr. Weaver. “I really had to sell it.”

“When we looked at James’ monitor, we saw what appeared to be a paramecium,” continued Dodd. “We were ecstatic; the whole team started hugging and high fiving. We later found out that James had replaced his rover feed with a Google image. What a dick.”

“It was legendary,” said Dr. Weaver, wiping a tear from his eye. “I had them going for a full 38 minutes. They were just about to call the project chief when I said ‘Dear God—is that a duck?’ They were all like, ‘where?’ That’s when I lost it.”

“I don’t know why we keep falling for his shit,” said Gerald Griswold, a graduate student at the California Institute of Technology. “Last month, he photoshopped Old Norse runes into an image of the Wilson Cliffs. He also spent 20 minutes trying to convince me that the rover had found a Cheeto in the Gale Crater. I mean, c’mon; why would there be a Cheeto? That’s impossible, right?”

Dr. Weaver has since been dismissed from the Mars Science Laboratory mission and taken up a post at the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. He says he will be investigating a chain of Tex-Mex restaurants believed to have been built during the most recent Ice Age.

 

Fake Reporting by T.J. Carter, who can be reached at inmediasrad@gmail.com